I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You Might Also Like
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Good morning!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.