*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
wtf management?!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My typo game is string.