*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
o shit
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.