An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?