*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.