@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

@Nickadoo: America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@ImNotThatJohn: Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

@WheelTod: I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

@SumukhComedy: Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?