@Mostly_Cheese: *gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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@Tmoney68: *playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party* Me: Is anyone here with us? T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O U S E A C O A S T E R M: Oh my god! Mom!
@phaggots: "911, please help im dying" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad
@slimmy_shady: The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
@SlabBaconBP: My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else.
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