*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
This checks out
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My birthstone is kidney
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.