*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat