*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.