*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The Sun’s probably Asian.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Have kids, they said
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
This anagram machine is out of order.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.