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@THEDUTHCHESS: *gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.
Me *should have
@amishschool: This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it's making it that much harder to poison him.
@TheHoyBoy_: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors
@juliagalef: Still my favorite headline of all time:
@imskytrash: (to kid at lemonade stand) i ain't buying shit until i find you on yelp