*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
my nickname in college
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me as a therapist: omg same
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?