*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I have a type: disappointing
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺