[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
relationship goals
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site