*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Knock Knock
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: