*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Yup
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.