*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart