*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I thought this was funny lol
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.