*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
You Might Also Like
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Same pineapple, same
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.