Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.