it must be school picture day
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Breaking news:
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?