*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.