*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Encore…
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave