[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”