*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
it must be school picture day
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
being a writer on Twitter:
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*