*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.