Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.