*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
when you don’t want to be too vague
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.