Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
This was my dad’s browser history.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I need better friends
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.