Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please