[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly