Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough