Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
BaD BoY!!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.