genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.