Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2