Monica just destroyed the internet
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”