<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
accurate
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.