who will stop them
You Might Also Like
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Worlds greatest photobomb
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah