my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My patience has stretch marks.