*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m literally crying
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.