[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Note to self: always read the final line
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
This story is comedy gold 😂
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
some Old Testament wisdom
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.