*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.