[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I love you…
…r dog.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.