I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…