*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I think I’m having a stroke
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.