*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget