*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.