*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
doing some research
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.