*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
He a real one for that
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.