*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Only a mother’s love …
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back