*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies