*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”