@penelope20mn: *gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
@just1fool: Autocorrect changed, "Felt good right?" to "Hours of delight" so I sent it because it's not my lie at this point.
@EndhooS: [1st day seal clubbing] Me: OMG this is awful Guy: [choking back tears] I know right? Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn't even a DJ
@KateWhineHall: I don't care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.