Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Just grow your own
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.